Reflections & Inspiration

​As a (stage 4) breast cancer survivor, I feel motivated to encourage the ongoing efforts to help raise funds for awareness, early detection, research and treatment.  Back in 2013 I went through the ups and downs of my own Journey with breast cancer which ultimately would end up being an incredible awakening Journey of initiation and a Gift which brought me closer to my heart.

Cancer invited me to make the choice to face my fears and vulnerability and lean into my supports. As much as it was an incredible blessing to have amazing supports from my loved ones as well as solid health benefits from my employer, allowing myself to feel into my own mortality and the vulnerability that comes with facing the Unknown, letting go was very difficult yet offered me hope. Hope for a quantum shift in my life, one from striving to one of peace, acceptance and trust.

Often, I would cringe when folks would tell me that I was “a strong fighter”.  For me, it wasn’t “a fight” it was a gentle, raw and courageous act of surrender. Nothing to do with helplessness though, on the contrary, for me it was all about choosing to accept I had cancer yet move forth and reshaping my whole life, reconstructing my own life to feel a fuller alignment.

I knew, it was necessary to allow myself to lean into the great unknown and trust no matter what.  Whether I was to live or not, fully re-aligning with life and all its offerings, I had to learn to slow down and reclaim my capacity to feel more connected.  First with myself and the nurturing environment that held me. I chose to give my trust 100% to myself and to my timeless allies: the Air, Fire, Water, Earth and Sky and to spend most of my days with beloveds Trees (Pine, Cedar and Birch) and my family: my loving husband and our braveheart dog Luke at the time and Maje, Nora and Tamrah our Horses and my everyday companions and confidents.

Late that Autumn, my mother-in-law and I planted hundreds of perennial flower bulbs. I thought, if I make it I would enjoy a fuller and exquisite garden. If I didn’t, I would leave a more bountiful legacy of Beauty, one of my own medicines: loving to create beauty and share it.

11 years later, long after experiencing the treatments (4 months of ongoing chemo followed by 16 radiation treatments) of my healing journey, I have experienced and learned so much about my own personal capacity for embodied health and experienced many healing modalities.  I have travelled to South America several times to devote time to learn to slow down and clear my whole being from lifetimes of multigenerational traumas.  The medicines of elder Plants and generous indigenous healers and other shamanic practitioners have help encourage me to come back home to my heart and to heal my mind, body and spirit.

Now, as I continue to grow, learn and heal, I continue to feel a strong calling to continue to support others in their own process with the liminal. As a trauma counselor, I serve as a guide to support others to also reclaim their own inner Lighthouse. What a gift.

Being a part of the Fab 40 contest this year has been a fun way to take part to also help raise money in support of others that are also traversing their own health journey through the portal of breast cancer. From crisis to breakthrough, I experienced so much love and support in my own journey and giving back feels great!  

We are now a few weeks into the contest and I have made the “top 10” list in the “fab over 40” cohort. Next week, I hope to make it to the Top 5 and onwards hopefully to the semi finals and finals.

Should I ‘Win” the most votes towards this important cause, I would then represent the 2024 fab Over 40, a celebratory and symbolic milestone and perhaps, opening further opportunities to continue live as fully as possible and support others in their own wellness journey. Whether I receive the most votes or not, I know I am a winner simply for still experiencing the fabulous gift of being Alive.  

​True listening as Embodied Awareness 

As I deepen my own awareness about how i show up relationally and how I guide the process in the therapy process (and, really, any meaningful social interaction), I am reminded of the importance of humility and patience allowing those spaces of silence and unknown as well as continue to cultivate my awareness of the various levels of connection (with self and with other) and their contribution to the relational field.  I call it this capacity a Jedi skill.  Pretty cool skill for any adult really but crucial "Best Practice" standard for a truly "trauma informed" practitioner. 

For many, including myself, true listening and the capacity to co-regulate with embodied awareness can be challenging. I have spent 30 years bringing awareness to my baggage and have been blessed with benevolent and skillful guides along the way.  Still, even with the most astute awareness, my adaptive strategies blind spots, emotions have at times, gotten in the way. As a deepen my own connection to myself (and others) and can be me more in what NARM (Neuro-Affective relational Model for working with developmental trauma) calls a 50/50 connection, I can better connect to my increased capacity to be with both moments of attuned connection as well as moments of disconnection and dysregulation. 

I am getting more skilled at recognizing when the balance tips and when i experience my 50/50 connection relationally, it feels more easeful, more spacious.  Experiencing moments of silence in this connection can be deeply nourishing.  When I effort to fill the silence, its a clue that my old adaptive coping strategies (wanting to fix, find a solution for example) are showing up, expressing their habituated will.  Invested in exploring with the client and with the desire to offer support and wanting "to be of help" can actually get in the way of the attuned, therapeutic connection.

I am deeply grateful for all the ways Life and beloved guides have help light the way for me to reclaim my sovereignty for health and embodied connection. That's why I am a keen advocate for any "helping professional" to engage in their own personal healing Odyssey which, I feel for me is Lifelong. For me, awareness is key and also the courage to continue unpack my own trauma through compassionate inquiry, deep listening, safe community and reclaiming my inherent capacities for regulation, attunement, trust, safety and the vibrant expressions of love in my intimate relationships. 

I my healing Odyssey, I have been deeply inspired by many teachers. One of the most significant has been poet, mystic, writer, priest John O'Donohue. Many a time, I have found soul calming solace in reading his Anam Cara poetry and as I recall a clip where John addressed a full room of therapists while, in his unique lyrical and piercing honesty highlighting the true qualities of true listening. John reminds me of the sanctum of the counseling space and true connection.  This allowing "of the spaces within the silence is true worship" and indeed makes space for safety and choice within the therapeutic process as well as a whole lot of room for the magic and Mystery to unfold in its own rhythm and time. See the clip here for this beautiful mentoring moment where John speaks of the different "types of looking" and their impact in the relational encounter.

I think that is one of the crucial reasons I guide my practice a relational model bringing genuine curiosity to mine and client's internal longing hopes and genuine core needs and inherent capacities in tandem to tracking moments of connection and disconnection and allowing both, not looking for cathartic expressions of or not judging whenever old patterns may arise. This happens especially in the often raw and vulnerable space of connection which really therapy is all about.  Simply asking the client what it is that they are longing for and allow this Be-longing to unfold with genuine presence and curiosity. This becomes the Lighthouse guided from within.

In this context, I ponder some of the qualities I feel to be foundational for any practitioner's; of course, compassion and empathy are key along with a kind of listening that his unhurried and free from personal agenda.  A difficult task as the therapeutic encounter can stir up even the most grounded, skilled therapists given our own humanity and our layers of trauma which can impact "true listening".

Indeed, interrupted by our own internal process, emotions, judgements, biases as well as occasional moments of disconnection sometimes arise within the relational field of a counseling session (and other relational encounters).  This awareness guides me to own then that I have many of such moments relationally with loved ones in my personal life and, dare I say, also professionally in the counseling arena. The work continues. Bringing to consciousness with patience, compassion and understanding.

In those unhurried moments of true connection, the raw, wounded parts can feel the safety that comes from patient guidance and compassionate listening guided by the inner Lighthouse of each being on their own journey back home. What a gift to experience and witness this.

Heartfully,
Anni

Please join me in supporting the National Breast Cancer Foundation.

As a breast cancer survivor this cause is close to my heart.
I'm stoked to have just entered this chance to represent the National 2024 representative and contribute towards Breast Cancer Foundation.

Fab Over 40 is our National Breast Cancer Foundation’s biggest supporters and has raised over $19 million to support their mission. Recognized as one of the leading breast cancer organizations worldwide.

I'm over 55 and excited to have been shortlisted into the Fab over 40 contest!!! Fingers crossed! May the most grateful win!!
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