September 28, 2024

​True listening as Embodied Awareness 

As I deepen my own awareness about how i show up relationally and how I guide the process in the therapy process (and, really, any meaningful social interaction), I am reminded of the importance of humility and patience allowing those spaces of silence and unknown as well as continue to cultivate my awareness of the various levels of connection (with self and with other) and their contribution to the relational field.  I call it this capacity a Jedi skill.  Pretty cool skill for any adult really but crucial "Best Practice" standard for a truly "trauma informed" practitioner. 

For many, including myself, true listening and the capacity to co-regulate with embodied awareness can be challenging. I have spent 30 years bringing awareness to my baggage and have been blessed with benevolent and skillful guides along the way.  Still, even with the most astute awareness, my adaptive strategies blind spots, emotions have at times, gotten in the way. As a deepen my own connection to myself (and others) and can be me more in what NARM (Neuro-Affective relational Model for working with developmental trauma) calls a 50/50 connection, I can better connect to my increased capacity to be with both moments of attuned connection as well as moments of disconnection and dysregulation. 

I am getting more skilled at recognizing when the balance tips and when i experience my 50/50 connection relationally, it feels more easeful, more spacious.  Experiencing moments of silence in this connection can be deeply nourishing.  When I effort to fill the silence, its a clue that my old adaptive coping strategies (wanting to fix, find a solution for example) are showing up, expressing their habituated will.  Invested in exploring with the client and with the desire to offer support and wanting "to be of help" can actually get in the way of the attuned, therapeutic connection.

I am deeply grateful for all the ways Life and beloved guides have help light the way for me to reclaim my sovereignty for health and embodied connection. That's why I am a keen advocate for any "helping professional" to engage in their own personal healing Odyssey which, I feel for me is Lifelong. For me, awareness is key and also the courage to continue unpack my own trauma through compassionate inquiry, deep listening, safe community and reclaiming my inherent capacities for regulation, attunement, trust, safety and the vibrant expressions of love in my intimate relationships. 

I my healing Odyssey, I have been deeply inspired by many teachers. One of the most significant has been poet, mystic, writer, priest John O'Donohue. Many a time, I have found soul calming solace in reading his Anam Cara poetry and as I recall a clip where John addressed a full room of therapists while, in his unique lyrical and piercing honesty highlighting the true qualities of true listening. John reminds me of the sanctum of the counseling space and true connection.  This allowing "of the spaces within the silence is true worship" and indeed makes space for safety and choice within the therapeutic process as well as a whole lot of room for the magic and Mystery to unfold in its own rhythm and time. See the clip here for this beautiful mentoring moment where John speaks of the different "types of looking" and their impact in the relational encounter.

I think that is one of the crucial reasons I guide my practice a relational model bringing genuine curiosity to mine and client's internal longing hopes and genuine core needs and inherent capacities in tandem to tracking moments of connection and disconnection and allowing both, not looking for cathartic expressions of or not judging whenever old patterns may arise. This happens especially in the often raw and vulnerable space of connection which really therapy is all about.  Simply asking the client what it is that they are longing for and allow this Be-longing to unfold with genuine presence and curiosity. This becomes the Lighthouse guided from within.

In this context, I ponder some of the qualities I feel to be foundational for any practitioner's; of course, compassion and empathy are key along with a kind of listening that his unhurried and free from personal agenda.  A difficult task as the therapeutic encounter can stir up even the most grounded, skilled therapists given our own humanity and our layers of trauma which can impact "true listening".

Indeed, interrupted by our own internal process, emotions, judgements, biases as well as occasional moments of disconnection sometimes arise within the relational field of a counseling session (and other relational encounters).  This awareness guides me to own then that I have many of such moments relationally with loved ones in my personal life and, dare I say, also professionally in the counseling arena. The work continues. Bringing to consciousness with patience, compassion and understanding.

In those unhurried moments of true connection, the raw, wounded parts can feel the safety that comes from patient guidance and compassionate listening guided by the inner Lighthouse of each being on their own journey back home. What a gift to experience and witness this.

Heartfully,
Anni